十几年前的一个秋天，我十六岁，在街角的一个不显眼处，守望一个人。
街上行人匆匆，逆着下午的阳光，我突然就有了一种孤独的感觉。阳光照射的目及之处——县人民礼堂，我看到了他。他用手撕扯着所有进去听下午戏的门票。我肯定这不是在制造一种戏剧效果，因为，这是我的初恋。
事实上，是我自己在单恋。
1986年冬日，我坐火车去长春拍一部戏剧电影。在卧铺车的上铺，夜里兴奋得睡不着，看火车在静谧的华北平原中穿行，想《日瓦戈医生》中的日瓦戈，也曾这样躺在去莫斯科的火车上，从格子里看雪花飘浸的苦难的俄罗斯祖国。在火车上，一切仿佛是从一条道路到一条河流，当我清醒地意识到自己存在并加以关注时，我想到我曾经的初恋。“执子之手，与子偕老”，早已经远我而去，想想看，我竟不曾与他说过一句话，永远看到的是拧着的眉，看人时从不多一点洞透，略微一扫，只记得大声吼过：“你们这一群唱戏的！”
我们这一群唱戏的，与现代生活截然相反的单调枯燥，却给我回味，那就是，历史以三五人的形象表演而延续着朝代更迭。历史很像是一幅图画里可以走来走去的部分，唱戏的虽不足解释整个生活的道理，却能让你读出近乎绝情的哀恸。
现在我不唱戏了，十几年唱来唱去，只演了一个被陈士美抛弃的秦香莲的女儿，怜兮兮一声声呼唤，如秦女士的两只水袖，拂来拂去，以不演唱故事的形式，延续着生活的继续。
我记得在长春时，我写过一封信给他。那是去伪皇宫回来，我为皇族社会最后一位皇后婉容心痛。郭布罗家族和爱新觉罗家族攀上了亲，做了一个退了位的皇帝的皇后，她的初恋诞生在辛亥革命之后，所有的子民已一律剪发喜庆共和，宣统只是一个空洞的尊号，给这样一个皇帝做皇后有多么尴尬苟且。她的初恋含合着常人无法企及的意味，她最后疯死在延吉。信上我说，短的是初恋，长的是婚姻。婚姻是无法跨越的，因为我不能跨越初恋。
长春之后，我写过第二封信。那是在五台山。那里的女孩十五六岁，因恋爱不如意或别的什么而出家。有一女尼曾对我说，没有家，这里是我修行的地方。一句让我没有得到一点安慰的话。在信中我表达了我一个绵长未了的心意。
可惜两封信都没有寄出。
1997年夏，我在北京和一位蒙族女人秀琴，在电影院看弗郎西丝卡和罗伯特·金凯的爱情故事。当时，有一些南方的同学很不屑于《廊》剧的演义，他们甚至无法相信一个人，怎么能用四十年的时间，去守候、去思恋、去执着一种仅存活了四天的爱情？秀琴说，恋爱是人永生的困扰，世界上如果真有爱情，譬如说被我们弄得没了心情，那就是失恋。秀琴说，人生目的太多，真爱定有。我和秀琴说起我的初恋。秀琴说，初恋是没有实现的心愿，也是平庸中企图的奇迹，因此美丽。
想想人的一生，将会有多少东西遗失在路上？这是绝对的必然。我们无意抛弃人美好的一切，我们行走在生命途中，有一天会因心灵负载很重时，拾起被遗忘了的美好，感受着已往远去了的情调。我现在已经是一个孩子的母亲，自然也就是一个男人的妻子了。我们常坐在沙发上说起往事。他说他曾经有过初恋，只是不记起对哪个女子有爱产生。那么说，初恋只能是一个过程，没有结果了，但决不可能没有记忆。他一定对我说了谎。这时，电视上正播放着香港的武打片《东邪西毒》。他说，当初为什么不直接求爱？我说，哪有女孩子先行做事的。他说，理论上的绝对正确且难逃矫情的套路。这时，电视上的东邪正带着一坛新酒，从绿色遍染的东边到风沙燥烈的西域，送给那里的西毒。一坛酒，一世人，就只为了一个女人桃花。寂寞而又仇恨的旅行。桃花是以此试探西毒的真心，东邪是为借此一睹桃花的芳容，西毒是为了从此得到桃花的消息。一年一次，坛底见空。当手擎桃花的张曼玉，倚在夕照脉脉水晶晶的小轩窗前，肠断白苹洲时，结局自然明白。那种古典的浪漫情怀像破裂的一管箫音，自远而近。
初恋给我无尽的联想，我真切地感到了它的存在。从恋爱的第一页到婚姻的最后，一切都是完全真实的。它牵动着我的想象，让我相信世界上不仅存在着精神与念想，同时还有守候。我能够守候这些美好的事物，在生存的距离里与自然更为亲近，这样的日子我还需求什么呢？！
秋天是那样透明，高粱、玉米、毛豆，提着长裙走过田间时，思想在行进中就如水一样四处漫溢，我突然感到了某种温柔的触及。哦，这些泛着层层水波的回忆！
Wednesday, November 19, 2008
Friday, October 24, 2008
The Orange ( zz )
The Orange ( By Wendy Cope )
At lunchtime I bought a huge orange
The size of it made us all laugh
I peeled it and shared it with Robert and Dave --
They got quarters and I had a half.
And that orange it made me so happy,
As ordinary things often do
Just lately. The shopping. A walk in the park
This is peace and contentment. It's new.
The rest of the day was quite easy.
I did all the jobs on my list
And enjoyed them and had some time over.
I love you. I'm glad I exist.
At lunchtime I bought a huge orange
The size of it made us all laugh
I peeled it and shared it with Robert and Dave --
They got quarters and I had a half.
And that orange it made me so happy,
As ordinary things often do
Just lately. The shopping. A walk in the park
This is peace and contentment. It's new.
The rest of the day was quite easy.
I did all the jobs on my list
And enjoyed them and had some time over.
I love you. I'm glad I exist.
Monday, September 8, 2008
Tax payers - GIVE me the MONEY
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BFDlOzJGriI
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rRy_mP627z8
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rRy_mP627z8
Friday, August 29, 2008
When Did Being Rich Get So Complicated? (zz)
Ah, the good life. You made your millions or billions. Now it is time to kick back, relax by the pool…and manage your costly and complicated family office.
Family offices are must-haves for Upper Richistanis. If you have $100 million or more, chances are you’ll need a family office to manage your investments, travel plans, philanthropy, political activities, bill-paying and estate plans. That’s not to mention the multiple homes and wives. If the lives of today’s Upper Richistanis are businesses, the family office is corporate headquarters.
“I have four people (in the office) and five people at the house and I don’t even have a job,” says AOL founder James V. Kimsey (left), in an article in the Washington Post. “Why it takes that many people to sustain me is hard to explain.”
To help answer that question, The Post article by Thomas Heath plumbs the inner workings of Mr. Kimsey’s family office. (Richistan Note: When I met Mr. Kimsey at a Richistan reading in D.C. last summer, he had a great line about rich people having three basic choices when it comes to deciding what to do with their money. “You give it to your kids and ruin their lives, you can waste it on buying lots of stuff, or you can give it to charity.” He was leaning toward the last one).
Mr. Kimsey’s staff includes:
The Chief of Staff–Peter Kirsch, a Marquette grad, is Chief of Staff in the Office of James V. Kimsey. He coordinates investments, requests for money, philanthropic giving, home renovations and meetings with politicians and CEOs.
Part gatekeeper, part investment manager, he is known as “Dr. No,” since he says “no” so often. He also checks in with Mr. Kimsey’s house staff–a separate army of chauffeurs, housekeepers, cooks and engineers.
The Accounting Manager–Hired from the wealth-management division of Legg Mason, Mr. Weir’s job is to “follow the money.”
The Scheduler–Nancy Merritt, a former staffer on Capitol Hill, has the mission of getting Mr. Kimsey’s daily schedule “under control.” Mr. Kimsey calls her “my nanny.”
“She organizes my romantic life,” says Mr. Kimsey, a 68-year-old divorcee. “My girlfriends think I’m a much more sensitive, caring guy since Nancy has been with me.”
Comments
To me, wealth should primarily be about having less stress. The wealthy should keep more of their assets liquid, in market neutral funds. Instead they bizarrely insist on making their own lives more cumbersome.
Comment by Jay - August 27, 2008 at 6:46 pm
Jay, please don’t tell us you are this naive about wealth managment. The Chief of Staff is definitely a necessity, if only for the gatekeeper in him. The wealthy are *CONSTANTLY* getting requests for donations (and heaven forbid they get the tiniest bit fatigued from it). All those extra people are designed to make sure Mr. Kimsey’s life is less stressful. In a sense they are all gatekeepers, (except for maybe the home maintenence staff). Look at what can happen to a fortune if you don’t take care of it? Look at all those people invested in Bear Stearns? And when you are rich, you are surrounded by a whole bunch of people who want to know you, be with you, learn from you, dine with you, and, yes, take from you everything they can get. And women, will “line up like ducks” for a man with money. I’m sure he also has attorneys on retainer too because the more wealthy you are, the more you are probably sued (for stupid reasons). I can definitely see how a staff like that is a must if you’re going to reduce your stress.
Comment by Anonymiss - August 27, 2008 at 8:10 pm
( From WSJ "The Wealth Report" Blog )
Family offices are must-haves for Upper Richistanis. If you have $100 million or more, chances are you’ll need a family office to manage your investments, travel plans, philanthropy, political activities, bill-paying and estate plans. That’s not to mention the multiple homes and wives. If the lives of today’s Upper Richistanis are businesses, the family office is corporate headquarters.
“I have four people (in the office) and five people at the house and I don’t even have a job,” says AOL founder James V. Kimsey (left), in an article in the Washington Post. “Why it takes that many people to sustain me is hard to explain.”
To help answer that question, The Post article by Thomas Heath plumbs the inner workings of Mr. Kimsey’s family office. (Richistan Note: When I met Mr. Kimsey at a Richistan reading in D.C. last summer, he had a great line about rich people having three basic choices when it comes to deciding what to do with their money. “You give it to your kids and ruin their lives, you can waste it on buying lots of stuff, or you can give it to charity.” He was leaning toward the last one).
Mr. Kimsey’s staff includes:
The Chief of Staff–Peter Kirsch, a Marquette grad, is Chief of Staff in the Office of James V. Kimsey. He coordinates investments, requests for money, philanthropic giving, home renovations and meetings with politicians and CEOs.
Part gatekeeper, part investment manager, he is known as “Dr. No,” since he says “no” so often. He also checks in with Mr. Kimsey’s house staff–a separate army of chauffeurs, housekeepers, cooks and engineers.
The Accounting Manager–Hired from the wealth-management division of Legg Mason, Mr. Weir’s job is to “follow the money.”
The Scheduler–Nancy Merritt, a former staffer on Capitol Hill, has the mission of getting Mr. Kimsey’s daily schedule “under control.” Mr. Kimsey calls her “my nanny.”
“She organizes my romantic life,” says Mr. Kimsey, a 68-year-old divorcee. “My girlfriends think I’m a much more sensitive, caring guy since Nancy has been with me.”
Comments
To me, wealth should primarily be about having less stress. The wealthy should keep more of their assets liquid, in market neutral funds. Instead they bizarrely insist on making their own lives more cumbersome.
Comment by Jay - August 27, 2008 at 6:46 pm
Jay, please don’t tell us you are this naive about wealth managment. The Chief of Staff is definitely a necessity, if only for the gatekeeper in him. The wealthy are *CONSTANTLY* getting requests for donations (and heaven forbid they get the tiniest bit fatigued from it). All those extra people are designed to make sure Mr. Kimsey’s life is less stressful. In a sense they are all gatekeepers, (except for maybe the home maintenence staff). Look at what can happen to a fortune if you don’t take care of it? Look at all those people invested in Bear Stearns? And when you are rich, you are surrounded by a whole bunch of people who want to know you, be with you, learn from you, dine with you, and, yes, take from you everything they can get. And women, will “line up like ducks” for a man with money. I’m sure he also has attorneys on retainer too because the more wealthy you are, the more you are probably sued (for stupid reasons). I can definitely see how a staff like that is a must if you’re going to reduce your stress.
Comment by Anonymiss - August 27, 2008 at 8:10 pm
( From WSJ "The Wealth Report" Blog )
Wednesday, August 27, 2008
Love 2008
The true artist has a grand theme in her mind.
Moreover, she knows how to express it freely, with
creativity, through the operation of her fingers. Each
start movement of her finger gives me expectation, as
I am eager to know what is next, what it could be, and
what it will be. Each completion of a picture brings
me amazement, as I wonder how many years of practice
is needed to reach such a stage that the sands are played
waywardly in her hands, and the outcome is fully under
her control. When she calmly erases her
previous masterpiece, I wanted to shout "wait a
minute....", yet I barely have time to feel sorry for
what was disappearing, a brand new surprise starts. A
new wondrous creation of art encourages me to keep on
looking forward instead of thinking backward. When she
finally ceases drawing, I then have a moment to ponder
over the lost sand works - they are still there, in my
memory, along with the spectacular feelings.
Maybe life is also like that. No matter how much we
want to lean on, and hold on to our previous
prosperity, time will calmly, mercilessly bleach our
past. Every second, or even millisecond arrives promptly,
never delays its pace. At the mean time, it
allows opportunity for the current........Even though gone
are the times, the things and the people, they are still
staying in the back of our mind, walk with us in our life journey.
When we have some time to pause and to meditate, they bring us
the warm feelings of encouragement.
The old shall end before the new can begin. When we dance with
the music of time, the old things are transformed into the memory
of love which will stay with us, see us through, and keep us
going on and on...
A rather profound message for the new year.
Moreover, she knows how to express it freely, with
creativity, through the operation of her fingers. Each
start movement of her finger gives me expectation, as
I am eager to know what is next, what it could be, and
what it will be. Each completion of a picture brings
me amazement, as I wonder how many years of practice
is needed to reach such a stage that the sands are played
waywardly in her hands, and the outcome is fully under
her control. When she calmly erases her
previous masterpiece, I wanted to shout "wait a
minute....", yet I barely have time to feel sorry for
what was disappearing, a brand new surprise starts. A
new wondrous creation of art encourages me to keep on
looking forward instead of thinking backward. When she
finally ceases drawing, I then have a moment to ponder
over the lost sand works - they are still there, in my
memory, along with the spectacular feelings.
Maybe life is also like that. No matter how much we
want to lean on, and hold on to our previous
prosperity, time will calmly, mercilessly bleach our
past. Every second, or even millisecond arrives promptly,
never delays its pace. At the mean time, it
allows opportunity for the current........Even though gone
are the times, the things and the people, they are still
staying in the back of our mind, walk with us in our life journey.
When we have some time to pause and to meditate, they bring us
the warm feelings of encouragement.
The old shall end before the new can begin. When we dance with
the music of time, the old things are transformed into the memory
of love which will stay with us, see us through, and keep us
going on and on...
A rather profound message for the new year.
Tuesday, June 3, 2008
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